Ah, inner peace… sounds good, doesn’t it? I don’t know about you, but since I’m an angsty person with a tendency to fall into negative-thought-holes and riding emotional roller coasters, a sense of peace has often been hard to come by. Due to some pretty challenging circumstances in my life, though, I’m getting lots of chances to practice new ways of handling things. I’ve been learning some tricks that are actually helping me out these days– finally! One of the biggest changes that has led to more peacefulness for me is this: Continue reading
Last year I wrote this post about the often complicated feelings that come up around the holidays. It seemed to resonate with a lot of folks, so I’m reposting it. May you find some peace and gentleness for yourself this Thanksgiving, however you choose to celebrate (or not). I am grateful for you, Reader!
I am trying to make sense of this, the deep feelings that come over me directly after a holiday. It might be when driving home from somewhere else, or when the door closes at my house after the flurry of goodbyes and coats and hugs. The sudden quiet, the change in energy… I find myself sucked into a vortex of sadness settling into my chest, an emptiness, loneliness. I find myself asking, Why?
Often, I will have had a good time celebrating the day. Even though I’m a quiet person, I’m more of an extrovert and love socializing. I have family. We have delicious feasts. But it often all ends too soon for me, with people rushing off, as people do in their busy lives. I find myself longing for more — more connection, more laughter, more time spent together. Is this all there is?, I wonder. Continue reading
Published on my one year “a-knee-versary” of my first knee replacement surgery…
I was so angry at my surgeon. He’d finally agreed to operate on me, but his initial refusal to give me total knee replacement surgery had resulted in more than a year of excruciating pain and disability. Facing the upcoming surgery, I knew I needed to let go of my negative feelings before he sliced me open. It was time to focus on positive energy so that I’d be in the best frame of mind to heal.
Over and over again in the weeks before surgery, I thought: I forgive him his ignorance. He doesn’t know me, my strength, my abilities. I’ll show I’m I’m a good candidate for this surgery despite his misgivings. I will be a success. Continue reading
One evening last week, I went on a walk with my husband Bob. Halfway through, we sat on a parkway bench, talking. We were startled by a voice shouting out of a car going by, a middle-school-aged boy with his head stuck out of the open window, looking at us. We turned to each other, puzzled. “I think he said, ‘Fat Positivity.'” That’s what we both heard. But… why?
Bob went on with what he had been talking about, and I found myself unable to listen. I felt the familiar warm flush of shame on my face, and my mind started spinning on the incident. “Fat Positivity” sounded, well, Positive, but was it taunting? Was it solidarity of some kind (a lot to expect from a young boy)? Even if it was well-intended, it was still someone seeing me in all my fatness, noticing it, calling it out. I felt seen in a way I didn’t want to be, attention being called to an aspect of my body that is unacceptable by society’s standards, not to mention being judged as unattractive, undesirable, and a personal failing. Continue reading