Technically, this Thanksgiving was the dreaded First Holiday. Maybe next year will be more drastically different since our living situation will have changed and we’ll be further down this road, but this year, with all the divorce-talk, the holiday has certainly had a different feel.
I’m a planner, a list-maker, a researcher. I like to figure things out, sometimes to my detriment, but often it is a strength. So weeks ago, as I saw Thanksgiving looming, I knew it would in some ways *be* different, and I wanted to make it even *more* different. Which brings me to lessons I learned this year as I did so… Continue reading
The last several days have felt like something is calming down inside me. After many weeks of only a few days between waves of utter despair, this has been a nice, unexpected turn for me. Some of you may know from my Facebook post that I had a really rough day last Monday. Through all the support I received, more discussions with Bob, and my own journaling/processing, it all helped me to crawl up on another shore. I can’t predict where I’ll be next week, but for now, there is a softness and a relief.
One theme has been emerging for me, first poking its head up tentatively, and now becoming stronger as the weeks go by. When thinking about what I might write about next, this topic stood up, waving its hand wildly, and as I jotted down some notes, it practically wrote itself. So this brings me to the next lesson I’ve been learning in this process. As usual, I think it relates to more than just a divorce situation. I hope it can help others, as it has been helping me. Continue reading
Today I’m taking a break from the Subject of the Month to write about something new. Just shortly after My Life Changed Big-Time, I threw caution to the wind and decided to sign up for an improv class. Improv comedy has always intrigued me– I’ve gone to many performances over the years, I know a lot of people who do it, AND it scares the SH*% out of me. I’m not a person who feels comfortable doing public speaking. Even speaking one-on-one with a person who is a little bit intimidating can make my mind blank out, and I’ll have no idea what I was going to say.
I’m a writer, so communicating on paper comes completely naturally to me. The words flow, and I can free-write a la Natalie Goldberg til the cows come home (which is actually a bit improvisational, writing whatever comes to mind with no editing, and my mind and pen have no trouble with that). But I still remember the complete and utter panic I felt the night before teaching classes on National Novel Writing Month with my friend Sherri at The Loft. I knew my subject matter really well, but I was practically paralyzed and adrenalized with fear before and during the class. Continue reading
(In case you missed them, you can read Divorce Lesson #1 and Divorce Lesson #2 by clicking on the titles here.)
Spirals. I’ve decided it’s spirals. I’d been comparing the last 6 weeks since Bob asked for a divorce to a roller coaster ride of emotions—devastating lows, the rush of adrenaline and fear, unexpected highs. But a roller coaster implies a short turbulent ride that will end abruptly, and I know that won’t happen. Instead, I’m now thinking about the curvy flow of spirals, emotions circling again and again, but never quite to the same place as the last time. My emotional labyrinth. There is still raw heartbreak, grief, relief, peace, joy, but it shifts each time around.
What surprises me is that while I’m having some of the saddest, darkest lows of my life, I’m being touched by some of the happiest moments too. As I wrote about in my last post, people have been reaching out to me in droves with such kindness and love. And because I’m so broken open right now, I have no choice but to soak it in, to be astonished by the miracles occurring every day, to allow my heart to be soothed. Continue reading