For about 18 months before my first knee surgery, I was in worsening chronic pain that greatly limited me and affected the quality of my life. It was a huge lesson for me in PAIN, what it’s really like and how much it can impact all the hours of a day. I know people who have been in pain like this for decades, people I care about, and yet I really didn’t understand it at all. I wanted to write a poem that would try to express (to the best of my ability) the nitty-gritty experience of pain. Let’s see how I did…
Dedicated to the Sufferers Continue reading
Somedays, that’s what it’s about. Riding the waves of another emotionally triggering episode, treading water, trying to keep my head above water. Somedays, like today.
I’ve been in therapy for a gazillion years, with many talented therapists, and I’ve learned a lot. There have been so many issues for me to work through, and I’m really grateful for it. But it’s only been in the last year or so that I’ve learned about C-PTSD, or Complex PTSD. I mean, I’m an anxious person for sure, and I have PTSD-type reactions… but it seemed like it was only a diagnosis for people who’d been in acutely traumatic scenarios, like war or rape. And while I certainly have THINGS I need to recover from, it wasn’t anything like that. Continue reading
I am trying to make sense of this, the deep feelings that come over me directly after a holiday. It might be when driving home from somewhere else, or when the door closes at my house after the flurry of goodbyes and coats and hugs. The sudden quiet, the change in energy… I find myself sucked into a vortex of sadness settling into my chest, an emptiness, loneliness. I find myself asking, Why?
Often, I will have had a good time celebrating the day. Even though I’m a quiet person, I’m more of an extrovert and love socializing. I have family. We have delicious feasts. But it often all ends too soon for me, with people rushing off, as people do in their busy lives. I find myself longing for more — more connection, more laughter, more time spent together. Is this all there is?, I wonder. Continue reading
Some of you may remember four years ago when I was posting Divorce Lessons. I was going through a pretty traumatic time in my life after Bob had asked for a divorce in September 2014. I started blogging about what I was going through and what I was learning in those raw, vulnerable months. In Lesson #5, I posted about what our Thanksgiving looked like that year, and how I was making changes to create new routines, a possibly New Normal at a time when nothing felt normal.
I’m reposting it today. I’m finding that as I look back at that time and the many things I learned in the process are good for me to practice today. Of course, after going through many rocky months, much therapy, many changes, and Bob living in an apartment for almost two years, we did not get divorced. And that’s just one of the many things I’m thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I hope you enjoy this repost, and have a very happy Thanksgiving, my friends!
[November 30, 2014] Technically, this Thanksgiving was the dreaded First Holiday. Maybe next year will be more drastically different since our living situation will have changed and we’ll be further down this road, but this year, with all the divorce-talk, the holiday has certainly had a different feel. Continue reading