It was the Spring of 1980. I was 15 years old and decided to make up a self-improvement project out of dieting. I “felt fat” at 128 lbs and wanted to weigh 105 , so I got a yellow folder (pictured above^^), some magazines and graph paper, and began what I called “The Long and Winding Road (to thinness.)” I was quite industrious: cutting out images and words, doing collage and making up daily worksheets for myself. I had a goal and I wanted to achieve it.
This was not the first diet I had been on. I don’t really know when that happened, but I had been growing increasingly conscious from about age 8 and beyond that my body was “too much” in some way. I was sturdy and a bit plump, but photos of child-me don’t show anything much out of the ordinary. My perception though, from comparisons and comments that I got, was that I was FAT and FAT = BAD. So weight loss was on my radar.
In my first journal at age 10, I wrote: “I’m starting my diet again. I think I can make it this time. I passed up a donut so far.”
I bought my first diet book when I was 13 or 14, the Stillman Diet, sometimes known as the Water Diet because you had to pee all the time. I made myself broiled hamburger patties, eggs, cottage cheese and not much else. Lost weight, felt virtuous, got praise, then went on a binge and berated myself for failing.
But THIS time would be different. I was sure of it. I put so much energy into this new project, was so organized and goal-oriented. (10 points for Gryffindor; oh yes, I was/ am a Hermione.) I recorded all my measurements, every calorie I ate, my feelings, exercise, pounds lost. I wanted to lose weight fast, so I got it into my head to eat as little as possible. And so I did, days in a row, as you can see here:
These 300 and 200-calorie days were what I called my “good days,” the “bad” ones being when I ate over 1,000. I was starving myself.
The accompanying journal entries I wrote are all obsessed with food, my weight and my body, There was the day I fell over and fainted in church. The days go from being virtuous and excited when I could eat very little and lose pounds, to chastising myself for eating too much or losing control and bingeing. I felt crazy and conflicted; I felt critical of myself for failing. There are notes in there about my parents too, how my dad offered me $10 if I could lose 20 lbs in one month, or my mom saying I should weigh 100 lbs. I believed being THIN would make me beautiful, worthy, acceptable, and that I’d finally get a boyfriend (the ultimate validation).
In my Introduction (yes, 15 year old me wrote an Introduction to this diet-project), I said:
“By losing pounds you will gain self-confidence, a healthy gorgeous body, a good self-attitude, and hopefully never again those flabby pounds that make you hate yourself, unhappy, depressed, and face it, ugly! You are just plain ugly when you are fat…”
It’s all pretty painful to read.
This also set me on the lifelong path of a yo-yo diet and binge cycle, and being consumed with crazy thinking about food, eating and my body. Information about eating disorders was still pretty limited back in the 70s and 80s, and I honestly felt sure I was the only one who felt so CRAZY about my food behaviors. And sure that a diet would fix everything.
I present this to you today to give one example of how an eating disorder got started. It’s been almost 40 years old since I was that 15 year old and despite all my intense and purposeful searching for help and knowledge, there has been so much painful struggling for me. I’ve learned so much and it’s gotten better, but some days are still hard.
Our society is generally still pretty screwed up about food, weight and body image. We need to talk about it. Maybe someday this kind of needless suffering will be extinct. More to come from me on this topic in the future!
Also, please check out my Easting Disorder Resources page for more on what has been helpful to me– books, websites and coaches.
Please feel free to share your stories or ask any questions in the comments. It’s good to talk about this. Thanks for reading!
[All photos come from my dieting journals circa 1980.]