Yesterday was not a great day.
I had hopes about things I wanted to do, to focus on. With this Global Pandemic and #StayAtHome, it seems like I have this endless blank-canvas of a day to do things, to be productive, to march forward on my goals. Sometimes I have a little luck with this, but often I’ve been finding myself getting lost in eddies of anxiety and distractions, and the day is suddenly gone. Yesterday, I listened to the news too much, which only ups my stress. Or I abruptly interrupted whatever I was trying to do by scrolling on social media— looking for… Something. I read more upsetting articles on Twitter. I watched Instagram stories flutter by in the stream. I didn’t exercise or write or make art, some of the things on my list, things that usually make me feel better.
How about you? Does any of this sound familiar? Continue reading
I’ve had a love–hate relationship with meditation for most of my adult life. I’d hear about it from people who incorporated it into their life, or from books, stories of those who went on retreats to meditate in silence for days on end, or friends who woke up early to meditate every day.
Something about it appealed to me, the peacefulness of it, the idea of calming my anxiety, wanting to experience the… I–don’t–know–what, that keeps passionate meditators on their cushions every day. I didn’t really understand how to do it, though, so I looked for ways to learn.
I think my first experience meditating was in a college class, when I was going to school and working full–time. At the end of a long day, we lay on the floor in a dark room, and I fell asleep every time to the teacher’s soothing voice.
I know it may be hard to tell from my calm, cool demeanor (heh), but I’m actually a pretty anxious person. Maybe I have the central nervous system of Alice’s white rabbit. Or it could be the result of the family system I grew up in. Or maybe it’s just my own funzie personality… probably a combination of all of the above. I tend to look for the negative in everything first, sussing out what could possibly go wrong before I will believe it might work. I’m anxious about new situations or places, even though I power through and push myself to “do it anyway.” I anticipate and ruminate and fret and go over things in my mind a million times. You get the picture. Continue reading
I’ve suddenly entered a new place in my life, traversing territory I never thought I would. A few weeks ago my husband told me he wants a divorce, and it was unexpected for me. This new landscape has been full of heartbreak, grief, anger, fear, anxiety, panic, denial, sleeplessness, PTSD reactions, and loss of appetite. I can’t say it’s been fun, but I’m learning a lot right now.
This post isn’t about the divorce itself– we put out a Facebook announcement about it (which you can read by clicking here, if you want) and have talked about it to people way too much. Suffice it to say, we are going to do this in as loving and nurturing way possible, and keep our friendship and closeness intact. Some people say it can’t be done. We are choosing to believe otherwise.
I wanted to write this post to start sharing some of what I’ve been learning in this process. It’s only been 3-plus weeks, and it seems more like a year has passed in how much has happened and changed, and my new insights and awareness. I’m in a place where I’m raw, I’m open and I want to make changes in my life to make me happier and more fulfilled. I can see now the many ways in which I’ve stayed stuck because of fear or old wounds that never healed. And I hope that whatever lessons I share might be helpful for others, whether you’re going through divorce or not. So here we go… Continue reading