I’ve had a love–hate relationship with meditation for most of my adult life. I’d hear about it from people who incorporated it into their life, or from books, stories of those who went on retreats to meditate in silence for days on end, or friends who woke up early to meditate every day.
Something about it appealed to me, the peacefulness of it, the idea of calming my anxiety, wanting to experience the… I–don’t–know–what, that keeps passionate meditators on their cushions every day. I didn’t really understand how to do it, though, so I looked for ways to learn.
I think my first experience meditating was in a college class, when I was going to school and working full–time. At the end of a long day, we lay on the floor in a dark room, and I fell asleep every time to the teacher’s soothing voice.
Somedays, that’s what it’s about. Riding the waves of another emotionally triggering episode, treading water, trying to keep my head above water. Somedays, like today.
I’ve been in therapy for a gazillion years, with many talented therapists, and I’ve learned a lot. There have been so many issues for me to work through, and I’m really grateful for it. But it’s only been in the last year or so that I’ve learned about C-PTSD, or Complex PTSD. I mean, I’m an anxious person for sure, and I have PTSD-type reactions… but it seemed like it was only a diagnosis for people who’d been in acutely traumatic scenarios, like war or rape. And while I certainly have THINGS I need to recover from, it wasn’t anything like that. Continue reading
I know it may be hard to tell from my calm, cool demeanor (heh), but I’m actually a pretty anxious person. Maybe I have the central nervous system of Alice’s white rabbit. Or it could be the result of the family system I grew up in. Or maybe it’s just my own funzie personality… probably a combination of all of the above. I tend to look for the negative in everything first, sussing out what could possibly go wrong before I will believe it might work. I’m anxious about new situations or places, even though I power through and push myself to “do it anyway.” I anticipate and ruminate and fret and go over things in my mind a million times. You get the picture. Continue reading